Ipsy Glam Bag Review - July, 2014

The blog is BACK, baby!

Whew - I just came off of the busiest year of my 17-year teaching career. As a result, I kind of neglected my web-baby, here - but today I'm back to feed it and change its diaper. Sorry, Bloglet, but life got in the way of you. I really would be a terrible parent.

But now its SUMMER! I've got my white wine spritzer, my Sirius Alt-Nation playing loud and proud, and I'm ready to WRITE!!

Anyhoo, I've been subscribing to Ipsy Glam Bags for about 6 months now, ever since I ended my dysfunctional relationship with TopBox sample service. Ipsy has been pretty great, and maybe that's why I don't write about it as much: it's more fun to write about things that are pathetically awful? Easier jokes, anyway...but I know a lot of ladies just like to read blogs about what other gals in the subscription service got, so I'll show y'all what Mr. Postman dropped at my door this month.

This bag looks ready to give birth to...

This is a picture of the bag that contains wonderful and mysterious products. Look how robust it is. Each month the Ipsy samples arrive in a "glam bag", and this month it is a charming-and-alarming neon pink pleather deal, with scalloped edges and an Ipsy-branded zipper toggle. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with these bags. I gave a bunch away to some of the teenagers I teach, but I suspect most of them ended up at the bottom of lockers among discarded banana peels and "lost" journal assignments.

Variety is the (Moroccan) spice of life

This is a picture of the deflated bag, sadly draped over the dining room candles, while the fruits of its loins march proudly around it. It looks like a sad, dead carcass, turned inside out. It is really kind of a garbage item. However, its former innards are made up of some pretty good stuff.

Just feels wrong to say this out loud

Up first is "Tints and Sass," a lip- and cheek- stain that is approximately one vowel away from being an absolutely filthy name for a product.

I don't know anyone under the age of 80(?) who would use her lipstick as a blended cream blush, but this cutting-edge concoction is trying to bring that trend back for the hipsters of today. It's a weird, thin, oily liquid, but it SMELLS LIKE CANDY! A large lot of candy. Eh, it's okay. Goes on light, adds a nice little blush of cherry colour. There's no effing way I'm smearing it on my cheeks, though.

Dreaming of textiles and spice markets?

This is a hair-care product meant to "mend and prevent" split ends. I am skeptical of its claims at Moroccan ancestry, as the back small print proudly declares that it was MADE IN THE USA. What is the deal with Morocco? I don't get it...like, Moroccan oil is supposed to be some kind of wonder-serum? Do people there have awesome hair and tans? Let me know in the comments. Whenever I think about this (admittedly, probably more than a normal person should), I can only reflect on the lesson learned by Stephanie in this Newhart episode, where she thinks they are actually going to Monaco. Yeah, you're welcome.

Easier than cracking open a lobster, at least

Next we have bareMinerals Ready (I do not know why the 'b' is lower case, nor why they made one word out of two obviously separate words, so stop asking) eye shadow pallet a deux. These are colours that I will actually use, proving once again that Ipsy's customer profiles are actually used for consumer benefit, while TopBox's profiles apparently exist only to generate page hits and heartache. I like this, but the small and flimsy plastic case makes me feel like I have the condition known as sausage fingers. If my big, clumsy man hands can actually get this open once I have a few spritzers in me, I will probably wear it for an elegant evening look.

Cowabunga! Bring on the BURN :/

Oh, yeah, more of THIS, pleeeaaassseee!

This bottle of Hang Ten dark tanning oil makes me feel like Ipsy really gets me, you know?

I loooove tanning, and I loooove tanning oil. Smells awesome and it works! My only regret is that it isn't a 4 or a 2, but I will use it when building a base. I also like that it makes sure to let you know that it is "Water Resistant - 40 Minutes." Does that mean 40 minutes in the water, or 40 minutes after you come out? Doesn't matter - I'll probably get burned anyway! Eff you, sun-haters.

mmmm....Skunky!

Finally, we have wHet nail polish in "facetious" - another product with curious ideas about the rules regarding the use of upper- and lower- case letters. Ugh.

It falls on the colour spectrum between blue and purple. While pretty, I already have several other bottles that fill this niche. Oh, well, I don't mind adding another to the collection. It claims to be "three free" and "vegan" (???), but it absolutely stinks. Users may run the risk of passing out from fumes before completing their manicure. My only other problem with this selection is that it is most assuredly NOT a summer colour. I don't know about you all, but I'm kind of old-fashioned, in that I staunchly believe there should be no blue nails before Labour Day. Eh, I'll break it out around November and it'll probably be fantastic.

So that's it for Ipsy July! Did anybody else get some good subscription bag treats this month? Have you ever been to Moracco, or its neighbor, war-torn Algeria? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!! xoxo