October 2013: Crap-fest Topbox Review

Welcome to October! A month when the weather gets colder, the days get shorter, and the Topboxes get crappier. It is a dark time of year, indeed. If things keep going this way, I will not be surprised if November's Topbox is stuffed with poppies and Boston Pizza mints.

This blog is gonna be short and not too sweet. Seriously, this month's Topbox SUCKS!!! Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky, sucks. It sucks so bad. How bad does it suck? Well, I have taken over a week to find the motivation to even sit down and write this thing, and writing this blog is something I usually really look forward to.

Because I like to avoid other people's reviews until mine's done, I haven't been on any blogs or boards yet to see what other gals are saying, but I'm going to try and write this quickly so I can indulge in the hatred that I can't imagine is not going on right now.

Here we go, in descending order from "okay, I guess" to "you're seriously charging me money for this?!":

I know I can get you for less than $12.99 if I close my eyes tight and believe.
And also if I wait for you to be on sale.

Last month I got the Wella Heat Styling Spray, which is a full-sized product I will actually use.



This month Topbox is "returning to the same well-a" (sorry), but with Stay Brilliant Colour Protection Lotion. I don't colour my hair, so this product is pretty much useless to me. It is supposedly worth $12.99 from your Wella professional.



I also went online to try and see what the real retail price is on this, but the wella.com website listed on the Topbox product card is ridiculously hard to navigate. Oh, well, I'm not planning to buy it anyway!


Okay, here it is at amazon.com for $7.94 USD. That's a terrible exchange rate, Topbox! For shame!

Meh. What is the deal with this company? Nothing special to see here, folks.

This is a face mask. Blarg. Who cares?

The only thing interesting about this product is that the label claims that it fights "glycation", a thing that I did not know existed. Also, that link does not make it a whole lot clearer to me. I guess it is something to be fought against, though. After my bath tonight I will have a little battle with glycation, and I'll let y'all know how that turns out. I guess you could say I'll be taking a "glycation vacation." That probably sounds like a lot more fun than it deserves to.

Two more moderately interesting things about this glycation-annihilation wonder-mask:

1. It looks like silly putty mixed with a hint of canned Alpo.
2. It smells like slightly off peppermint. Like, if you had a peppermint lotion that you really liked, so you were saving it and not using it very often, then one day a few years after you first opened it, you realized that the smell had started to turn. I have decided to name this smell "poopermint" (sorry).

Ooooh - a free sample from Shopper's

This little treasure is a useless pile of three miniscule lipsticks. They all look ugly. They will most certainly dry out after the first or second application, as you can't reseal the packet once opened. They are a waste of our country's manufacturing resources.

I will give them to a teenager, who will find them charming and fun. I, however, am a grown-a$$ lady, and I prefer at least a little Barbie-size sample like the ones Avon gives out. (Yes, I do realize that my argument is tantamount to the old classic from Annie Hall, "This food is terrible, and the portions are so small!" /paraphrase/)

Honestly, though, when your company is mailing out the same samples that can be had by the handful at every drug store cosmetics counter in town, you may want to start thinking of the morality behind what you are "selling". Guess I'm the sucker for keeping subscribed, right? But I neeeeeed to bllllllogggggg!

Deja vu all over again

Which brings us, dear reader, to the final insult in this grab bag of miserable injury.

The same damn foundation sample I got last month!!!!!!!

Also, clearly marked not for individual sale. Wait, two isn't enough?! Well, I can always go to Shopper's and get 5 more, just by asking and smiling nice at the cosmetics lady.

Honestly, Topbox, if you're gonna cheap out and pretend that drug store samples are actually small-size luxury items that will be coveted by women across the nation, at least send different ones each month! Ugh. Can we not just pretend in this together? You are shattering my wilful denial that your box is actually worth keeping paying for. I am starting to hate you a little bit.

And another thing: WHY IS IT THE EXACT SAME SHADE?!? What are the odds that anyone receiving this is going to be able to use it??? I'm going to be generous and say maybe 1 in 10, but honestly I doubt it's that many. (NB this might actually look okay on me once I get a little more tanned. I will pack it to take to Mexico at Christmas. Here's hoping I am sorely wrong about the value of this product.)

My handsome boy <3

Actually, you know who really likes this? The dog. Rocky thinks it is just fantastic, better than the chicken bits in his mostly not-chicken bits dog food. I put some on the back of my hand, and he just licked and licked and licked. Maybe if I put some in the bathroom, I can get him to clean the toilet. 

So, it comes to this. I am paying $13.60 a month for a box of (mostly) free samples. In addition to the samples, I get the thrill of receiving mail that is not bills, and a guaranteed blog topic. Is it worth it? Ummm...the jury's still out, but I'm in for another month or two at least.

Some people say Topbox used to be better. If you can shed any light on this, please let me know in the comments. Also, I'd love to hear of any ideas you might have for boxes I might like better. I will say, though, it's more fun to write a cranky blog than an effusive one, so there is that.

Thanks for reading! xoxo