Ipsy Glam Bag Review - July, 2014

The blog is BACK, baby!

Whew - I just came off of the busiest year of my 17-year teaching career. As a result, I kind of neglected my web-baby, here - but today I'm back to feed it and change its diaper. Sorry, Bloglet, but life got in the way of you. I really would be a terrible parent.

But now its SUMMER! I've got my white wine spritzer, my Sirius Alt-Nation playing loud and proud, and I'm ready to WRITE!!

Anyhoo, I've been subscribing to Ipsy Glam Bags for about 6 months now, ever since I ended my dysfunctional relationship with TopBox sample service. Ipsy has been pretty great, and maybe that's why I don't write about it as much: it's more fun to write about things that are pathetically awful? Easier jokes, anyway...but I know a lot of ladies just like to read blogs about what other gals in the subscription service got, so I'll show y'all what Mr. Postman dropped at my door this month.

This bag looks ready to give birth to...

This is a picture of the bag that contains wonderful and mysterious products. Look how robust it is. Each month the Ipsy samples arrive in a "glam bag", and this month it is a charming-and-alarming neon pink pleather deal, with scalloped edges and an Ipsy-branded zipper toggle. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do with these bags. I gave a bunch away to some of the teenagers I teach, but I suspect most of them ended up at the bottom of lockers among discarded banana peels and "lost" journal assignments.

Variety is the (Moroccan) spice of life

This is a picture of the deflated bag, sadly draped over the dining room candles, while the fruits of its loins march proudly around it. It looks like a sad, dead carcass, turned inside out. It is really kind of a garbage item. However, its former innards are made up of some pretty good stuff.

Just feels wrong to say this out loud

Up first is "Tints and Sass," a lip- and cheek- stain that is approximately one vowel away from being an absolutely filthy name for a product.

I don't know anyone under the age of 80(?) who would use her lipstick as a blended cream blush, but this cutting-edge concoction is trying to bring that trend back for the hipsters of today. It's a weird, thin, oily liquid, but it SMELLS LIKE CANDY! A large lot of candy. Eh, it's okay. Goes on light, adds a nice little blush of cherry colour. There's no effing way I'm smearing it on my cheeks, though.

Dreaming of textiles and spice markets?

This is a hair-care product meant to "mend and prevent" split ends. I am skeptical of its claims at Moroccan ancestry, as the back small print proudly declares that it was MADE IN THE USA. What is the deal with Morocco? I don't get it...like, Moroccan oil is supposed to be some kind of wonder-serum? Do people there have awesome hair and tans? Let me know in the comments. Whenever I think about this (admittedly, probably more than a normal person should), I can only reflect on the lesson learned by Stephanie in this Newhart episode, where she thinks they are actually going to Monaco. Yeah, you're welcome.

Easier than cracking open a lobster, at least

Next we have bareMinerals Ready (I do not know why the 'b' is lower case, nor why they made one word out of two obviously separate words, so stop asking) eye shadow pallet a deux. These are colours that I will actually use, proving once again that Ipsy's customer profiles are actually used for consumer benefit, while TopBox's profiles apparently exist only to generate page hits and heartache. I like this, but the small and flimsy plastic case makes me feel like I have the condition known as sausage fingers. If my big, clumsy man hands can actually get this open once I have a few spritzers in me, I will probably wear it for an elegant evening look.

Cowabunga! Bring on the BURN :/

Oh, yeah, more of THIS, pleeeaaassseee!

This bottle of Hang Ten dark tanning oil makes me feel like Ipsy really gets me, you know?

I loooove tanning, and I loooove tanning oil. Smells awesome and it works! My only regret is that it isn't a 4 or a 2, but I will use it when building a base. I also like that it makes sure to let you know that it is "Water Resistant - 40 Minutes." Does that mean 40 minutes in the water, or 40 minutes after you come out? Doesn't matter - I'll probably get burned anyway! Eff you, sun-haters.

mmmm....Skunky!

Finally, we have wHet nail polish in "facetious" - another product with curious ideas about the rules regarding the use of upper- and lower- case letters. Ugh.

It falls on the colour spectrum between blue and purple. While pretty, I already have several other bottles that fill this niche. Oh, well, I don't mind adding another to the collection. It claims to be "three free" and "vegan" (???), but it absolutely stinks. Users may run the risk of passing out from fumes before completing their manicure. My only other problem with this selection is that it is most assuredly NOT a summer colour. I don't know about you all, but I'm kind of old-fashioned, in that I staunchly believe there should be no blue nails before Labour Day. Eh, I'll break it out around November and it'll probably be fantastic.

So that's it for Ipsy July! Did anybody else get some good subscription bag treats this month? Have you ever been to Moracco, or its neighbor, war-torn Algeria? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!! xoxo

Topbox December 2013 Review: A Farewell

Well, wouldn't you just know it? This is my last month receiving Topbox, as I've cancelled any further deliveries. As luck (or bad luck) would have it, this box is the best one I've got yet. There is nary a product to mock. Not even a repeat. Ugh.

Tiny, but smells like a soap 10 sizes bigger.

The first item is my replacement "gift". Last month I got a repeat sample of those gawd-awful lipstick pods, so I let Topbox know via email. To their credit, they got back to me within hours, promising to throw this little soap into my box this month. And here it is!

It's about the size of a hotel soap, so it should be good for a week or so of showering. It smells really nice, and doesn't seem like the kind of sample they just hand out by the handful at Shoppers. Nice!

Buttery and tasty!

Next up is a little pot of Belvada Coconut Lip Butter. This stuff is literally the same consistency of butter, and it tastes just delicious. I will definitely throw it in my purse to have when I'm out and about. Soooo much better than those cursed lipstick pods I've (apparently) gotten so hung up on.

Who doesn't want more and more bottles of nail polish?

This is a full-sized bottle of Cuccio Colour "Dare to Dazzle" nail polish. It is a gold-sparkle that goes on pretty opaque.

For some reason, I did not get a product card in my box this month, so I have no idea what the deal is with this polish. I also can't find any reliable pricing on it via google, so I'm going to guess it's worth about $8? More than stupid lipstick pods, anyway...

Smells like camping

This is a 3 mL sample of Estee Lauder's perfume, Modern Muse. It's a little musky and woodsy for my tastes, but the bottle is pretty and you get a decent amount at least.

If Topbox had stuck with department-store brands like this on a more regular basis, I'd probably still be a subscriber.

WTF is this, really?

This is, for me, by far the worst product in the box this month. However, it is a decent-sized sample of a high-end brand, so I won't complain about having it included. I just don't like it at all.

Elizabeth Arden's "Eight Hour Cream/Skin Protectant" is like a red-tinted, slightly thinned petroleum jelly (?!). It smells like Silly Putty. It is really gross. I've had it on my hands for about 45 minutes now, and they are still tacky-feeling. I suspect that if there were a fly in here, it would get stuck to the back of my hand. This is fly-paper turned beauty product at its best.

I would consider putting this on my dry-cracked heels, covered by a plastic veggie bag and a wool sock, overnight to soften my feet. Otherwise, not a useful item (to me).



So that's about it. Goodbye, Topbox. The excitement of getting parcels from you was all too often followed by crushing disappointment about what that parcel actually had in it. You marketed yourself as a provider of "high-end samples", and I suppose it is true that "high-end" is a relative term. Unfortunately, I just don't like paying $13.61 (tax incl.) per month for things that were often available for free in pretty much every drugstore. I will say that you offered excellent customer service, and I suspect it's difficult to turn away offers from Cover Girl and Loreal to be featured in your boxes. This program just does not represent value to me, but others seemingly really enjoy it - at least based on the ecstatic testimonials on your facebook page. Best of luck to all the other Topbox subscribers out there - let me know in the comments if things ever get better!

Thanks for reading! xoxo

Birthday Bonanza! Free stuff you can get!!

It's birthday time again! That wonderful, special day, where you get tons of attention and adoration from around the facebook world. This post is about other stuff you can get as well: FREE stuff!

Last year I decided to make a project out of researching all the free stuff I could collect on December 5, and then spend my special day going around the city to collect the bounty. It took me about a month of research and planning to have everything in place. I wasn't initially going to do it again this year, but I started at lunch with a free Starbucks and Big Mary, and then I just couldn't stop. I felt compelled to spend the rest of my day getting more, more, more. I may have a bit of a problem.

A couple of people have asked me for the list, so here it is, with instructions on how you, too, can have a 6,000 calorie birthday for FREE!

There is only one rule for my list: it must be FREE. No BOGO, no % off, no need to buy anything else at all. You will be able to cash in your gift and leave the business without having to spend a single cent, if you so choose. I will include a list of what I call "birthday losers", businesses who require additional purchases, at the end of my list for those who are not so discriminating. So here we go...

No potatoes :( Would have to pay for them...

Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast!

I didn't actually do this one this year, as I was planning to not get free stuff at all, and so did not drag my a$$ out of bed at 5:30 to hit the 401 truck stop Denny's before work. However, last year, the waitress was pleasant and was lovely enough to offer the first birthday greeting of the day.

Just show up at any Denny's and show ID.

Retail value: $6.99 ($8.99 weekends)

Thanks! Like a card, only much, much better.

Starbucks!

Any size hot or cold beverage, or food item of your choice.

I went with my old standard venti non-fat latte. I should have looked to see which item was the most expensive, but I only thought of that just now.

For this one, you have to have a Starbucks card registered on their website, which I do. In fact, I have the app and just show my phone when it comes time to pay. On your birthday, they credit this card with your offer and send you an email about a week in advance to remind you.

Retail value: $5.95

Yeah, this is a terrible pic. Sorry. 

Lunch time!

There is only one Big Mary's in London, and it happens to be about 2 blocks from where I work, so this one was toooo easy.

You register at bigmarys.com to receive email from them, and about one week before your birthday you will receive a printable coupon to bring into the store.

You get your choice of a Big Mary sandwich or a 2-piece meal with fries. Last year I got the meal, but it was so greasy and gross I didn't even finish it (plus, I was still pretty full from Denny's.) This year I went with the Big Mary, and OMG it was amazing. It was so tasty and fresh and big. I might actually get one that I have to pay money for one day. Wow.

Retail value: $4.59

You get a "boost" by vomiting if you actually drink this whole thing.

After work, I began a 3-stop run for freebies that would take me to the north end of the city. First stop: Booster Juice, downtown in Wellington Square (formerly Galleria.)

This thing was fantastic. At 750 mL, it is far more smoothie than one person should consume, but I did my best to power through it. I got strawberry/orange/pineapple, with a "boost" of something for "energy" (I don't know what it was. Cocaine? No idea...) YUM!

As above, you have to register for email alerts from the Booster Juice website, and they send you a coupon a week in advance of your birthday.

Retail value: $7.95

There are several kinds to choose from, but I always get krispies.

Stop 2 on my round-trip tour to the north end was Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company for a FREE chocolate bar!

This gift is especially nice, because you don't have to eat it right away. You can save room for other, more urgent treats!

You have to have a Rocky Chocolate card, and register it on their website. You will get an email saying they've credited your card about a week in advance of your birthday.
Retail value: $2.00

Yes, those are Reese Cups and Sweedish Berries!

The last stop on my after-work adventure was Yo-Yo's Frozen Yogurt bar. These places seem to be everywhere in the last couple of years. If you've never been: there is a wall of self-serve yogurt flavours along the back, and huge bar of self-serve toppings and sauces in the middle. You pour your own yogurt and add toppings as you see fit. Then you take the whole thing over to a scale and they weigh it for you. The price of the product depends on how much stuff you have in that cup. Mine weighed in at $9.95.

You just go into Yo-Yo's and show them your ID - that's it! Then you walk out with a humongous bowl of yogurt and treats. This one is covered in plastic in the freezer at this very moment, because I was pretty full already by the time I got it.

Omg, soooo FULL.

For dinner, we went to Tony Roma's! There you will get a free entree up to $19, or $19 off your dinner entree. Prices have gone up at Tony Roma's the last couple of years, though, so there aren't many real entrees that are less than $20. There are, however, lots of burgers/sandwiches/wraps that would be totally free. This is a half-rib order, which I believe was only $18. I was so full that I only ate the potato and two of the end ribs, brought the rest home. The coleslaw was gross.

You just go in and show ID for this one. In fact, the server didn't even ask to see it this year! We must look like pretty honest people.

I can't even look at you right now.

This is a sideways picture of Boston Pizza Cheesecake Brownie. I got it last year, but decided to skip it this year.

If you sign up for Boston Pizza email blasts, they will send you a coupon for a free dessert about a week before your birthday. The catch is that you have to do dine-in only, so you will look like a loser if you don't at least pay to order a coffee or something, BUT it is possible. We ordered coffee.

Retail value: $5.95 (?)

Thank gawd I don't have to eat this right now.

This is a key-lime tart from William's Coffee House. I didn't go there this year, either, but last year I just walked in and showed ID, and they handed over a dessert to go. Sweet.

Retail value: $3.00 (?)

Whole lotta Fro-Yo

This is another Yo-Yo's from a different location: White Oaks Mall. At this point in the day, I did not even want to look at food anymore, but we were there for Sephora anyway, so why not? Dylan ate it.

Walk in. Show ID. Get treat.

Retail value: $9.65

Drinking this actually helped me feel better

This is a little cup of Tim Horton's Dark Roast coffee, which is actually pretty good. I'm not a fan of regular Timmie's, but this stuff I would definitely buy.

They were giving these out to everybody at the mall, not just birthday girls. Still, it was free, and I wouldn't have been there if not for my birthday, so it goes in the blog!!

Nice!

Sephora gives away a birthday gift, which you can technically get any time during the month of your birthday, but I think it's fun to go on the actual day.

I think this is a word-of-mouth promo? I get emails from them, but I didn't receive anything telling me to get a birthday gift - I just knew from before.

I couldn't be bothered to keep a Sephora card on me, which you are supposed to show in order to claim your gift. Nevertheless, I gave them my email address (again), and they rewarded me with this gift (and another card.) The gift is a little mascara and highlighter stick, neither of which I've tried yet. Last year it was 3 mini-sugar lip glosses, which were awesome.

Retail value: maybe $10?

I actually got this 2 days after my birthday. Post-workout
recovery item.

This is my last birthday freebie! It is a cone with 1 "mix-in" from Marble Slab Creamery.

As with so many other places, if you sign up for their emails, you will get a coupon about a week in advance of your birthday. You don't even have to print it - I just took a screen cap on my phone and showed that when I went in. The girl working did not seem to look very closely at it, either. Nor did she ring it into the till or seemingly make any notation whatsoever that a cone has gone missing from their inventory. Know what that means? I can probably get more free cones! The coupon is good for a whole week! There are 3 locations in London! Ohhhh - the possibilities!!

But I won't do that. I'm not a huge ice cream person anyways, so it's not something I'm willing to put the effort into. Maybe you could, though!



So that's the end of my birthday freebie adventure for another year. Here are a couple of other good deals I know about, but they don't have locations in London:

Mmmmuffins - free cupcake or muffin
What a Bagel (Toronto) - 12 FREE BAGELS!
Second Cup - free beverage

Here are some stupid crappy deals that are an insult to the birthday boy/girl:

Orange Julius - Buy one, get one free Original Julius :(
Milestones - Bring THREE people to dine with you, your dinner is free :(
Bodyshop - $10 off purchase, if you are a member of their club that costs $10 to join :(

Good luck in your own birthday adventures! Do you have any great or terrible birthday freebies that I missed? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!! xoxo

My Day at Jury Panel! (London, Ontario) (w/pics!)

I was so excited when the summons arrived in the mail: I GET TO GO TO JURY PANEL!

This is where democracy LIVES!

Almost everybody I told was all like, "Ohhh, I'm so sorry. That's AWFUL!"

WTF!? Noooo - it's AWESOME! 

Being on a jury has long been a dream of mine. I think it would be fascinating (or super-boring, but I'd like to find out for myself at least!) Plus, you get to fulfil one of your most important civic duties (besides voting, of course)(and shovelling the walkway.) On top of it all, I'm lucky enough to have a job where my employer will cover my wages while in jury, and someone else comes in and makes sure all my work gets done (thanks, Jordyn!) Ahhh...a day of sitting, listening, and being quiet, while seated in a comfortable chair, and with ample time for lunch. What could be better?

Before I do a run-down on the day (SPOILER ALERT), I'll start with a few helpful hints for prospective jurors headed to Panel. I tried googling this info last night, and couldn't find anything, so my goal here is to help with a few insider tidbits I learned today:

A map I kind of made!

1. Bring an analogue book! Or magazine, puzzle/pencil, etc. There is a lot of sitting/staring time, so you will want to keep your mind sharp! Plus, you have to turn off electronics once court starts.

2. I went to 80 Dundas St. Despite the address, you cannot actually get into this sucker from that side. If you are like me and park at the market, you will face a long, cold, slippery walk allll the way around to the Queen Ave. side. I wonder if that entrance used to be used, but they shut it down for security reasons? Stupid crazy people...ruining everything!

3. Look to the gremlins on the map above for helpful parking advice!

4. Don't wear perfume. Somebody is going to be squished in beside you for 2-3 hours, and that can be just nasty.

5. Wear comfy clothes. You have to sit for a long time, and nobody seems to care if you get dressed up like I did. Some people there looked like they found their clothes in a garbage can. Nobody cares.

6. Bring your summons, and fill out the info box at the bottom before you get there. They'll rip it off and give the rest back for you.

7. Go to the bathroom before! There are only 2 ladies' stalls on the 14th floor, so the wait at break was deadly. Also, you will feel like a tool if you have to get up in the middle of it to go.

8. Show up early. You have a book to read! Don't be a dick. Though they were letting people in who were like a half-hour late.

9. You can pick where you sit when you go in (14th floor, Courtroom 18). Keep to the left, and the benches near the front have cushions on them and nice armrests. I did not follow this advice, and I had a lot of time to sit and stew about it in an ill-chosen hard chair. More on that below.

So here's basically how my day went:

8:45 - Arrive. Go through almost airport-level security on the first floor. Take elevator to 14.

8:50 - Enter courtroom and pick a spot to sit. See important info above! I wanted to have a good view and a bit of space, so I went to the front row of hard, linked-together wooden chairs. I sat all the way at the end so I could be guaranteed no one on at least one side of me. The row was completely empty still, while the back part of the room was getting pretty full.

8:51 - Begin reading book.

8:52 - Extremely eager older lady comes down the row and sits two seats down from me. There is literally not a single other person in the entire row at this point. Then she "notices" the empty chair directly beside me, the one that is keeping a nice social distance between us. She gleefully asks, "Oh, can I sit there?!" (!!) What do you say? What do you do? OMG I'm just looking forward to spending a day not talking for once! I surely do NOT want to make chit chat with this "friendly" stranger. So I say, "Okay," and I move my purse so she can sit there. At this point I'm worried that I have to be her surrogate child for the day. I will be sure to disappoint her.

8:53 - Continue reading book. Try to ignore the body heat radiating from the strange woman to my left. Sneak a look at the name on her summons. Decide that is the name of a crazy person. Also, she is from Komoka, so...

Fine, but don't try to talk to me!

8:54-9:20 - Continue reading, feeling creeped out, and occasionally look up to watch clerks set up microphones and ready the court room. At this point, I feel (a little) bad that the social misfit next to me might be embarrassed and has realized the gravity of her misstep. She periodically mutters to herself (me?) statements like, "Well, here we are!" or, "I should have brought a book." Feel like a horrible person. Keep eyes focused on the front. Focused on the front. Focused on the front.

9:20 - The fun begins! People continue to enter the courtroom, despite the summons looking really scary and official and definitely saying this party gets started at 9. People continue to drift in one at a time til about 9:40. Ugh.

I'm never late, especially for workish-type things. It's so easy to be early. Late-comers drive me nuts. I'm owning the moral high ground on this one.

There were several cops in court, but none of them were this cute.

9:20 - The Court Register emerges, welcomes us to panel, describes what we are about to endure. She has a huuuge stack of cue cards, which apparently are still a thing that exists.

Each card has our Jury ID# and occupation on it. She calls out the numbers and you have to say if your occupation has changed since the info was filed. Lots of people turned into retired versions of their former selves. Jealous. Also, one guy was like, "Manager!? Where'd you get that from?!? I'm retired!!!" He was just so damn insulted that this woman could possibly accuse him of still having a career, despite the fact that he stated he had a career when he filled out the form a year ago. You know where she "got that" from? A drug dealer downtown. You're in trouble, mister! Ugh. Several of the seniors sitting with him chuckled heartily at his reaction. Apparently he is a "card".

Just keep reading, girl. Your book will make it all better.

One other guy is listed as a "manager". The Register asks him to clarify so she can note it on his card. He really clarifies, by explaining his whole business of restoring and rebuilding antique theatres across Canada and the United States. Then he concludes by saying that his income comes from Disability. I thought that was pretty funny, because I am mean. It was pretty funny, though. I imagine the note she actually wrote on his card was "do not put this guy on a jury."

I consider mentioning this to the nutbar on my left, but conclude that we are "not speaking".

You're going into the cage!

About 10% of the people called were not actually in attendance. I guess they skipped out? On the lam? Dodging the po-po?

Anyhoo, due to the fact that some people are a mess and can't show up to Provincial Court on time, the Court Register had to re-read all the absentee cards one more time. So that took about 10 minutes.

10:00-10:30 - Continue reading. The lady to my left has found someone on her left, who did actually manage to leave a chair of space between them, and is finally enjoying social contact. I am happy for her, but I will her to shut up so I can concentrate on my book.

Cat justice! You are sentenced to have a bath!

10:30 - The judge shows up! We all rise! The Register says something! I don't recall much of the oath or whatever, but it had the word "God" in it. So, tradition?

10:30 - 11 - The judge explains everything that we could possibly need to know about being a juror. Everything. Special emphasis on "civic duty". My chest swells with pride.

They will be casting 3 juries today: 2 criminal (12 people), and 1 civil (6 people). I figure my odds aren't bad. I dressed up.

Also - the defendants for the main criminal trial came in with their lawyers! It was 2 guys charged with assaulting 2 women. I'm having second thoughts about being on this jury. It sounds like it could be really awful. Still....as the judge is detailing that we will be required for a week or maybe more, I'm making mental notes about all the things I will need to arrange to get taken care of at work. I'm still hoping...

Guilty of pooping in the living room!

So, basically, they will draw 3 sets of 20 names of people who will go to "challenge for cause" later in the afternoon. This is where the lawyers will be able to select or reject potential jurors. It involves getting sworn in. Cool!

The first 20 people get called up. They draw your card out of a big barrel that looks like it held bingo balls in a previous life. I do not get picked. :(  Several people have what seem to be reasonable excuses why they can't serve: students with finals coming up, people who own their own businesses and will lose money. A couple of people are shamed by the judge into remaining in the jury pool, and they get in line with heads bowed. One guy actually says he is racist and therefore biased in the case! The judge tells him he hopes this is not an act being put on to avoid jury duty, and orders him to sit for the afternoon session. The dude looks like a scumbag racist to me.

It's been said that dog judges are the most forgiving and lenient. 

Just to be clear: you need to tell the whoooole court full of assorted humanity why you can't be a juror. Intimate medical and financial details will be revealed. There is no confidentiality here. I thought that was really interesting, and was thankful, as always, that I don't have an embarrassing disease.

So those 20 lucky dogs get shuffled off somewhere behind the walls of justice. The lottery begins anew. This time I get picked!!! Right near the start! I go up and stand in line, trying to look like the impartial and rational human that I am. I have to hold this look for like 45 minutes because so many people are trying to get out of jury duty. It takes forever. Eventually there are 16 of us standing up there, and the judge sends us for lunch at about noon. We have to be back by 2. Two hour lunch, y'all!!

I try to make the best use of my time by coming home and sitting on the couch for 2 hours. The dogs loooove it.

This is who I want in my corner.

1:45 - Back at the courthouse, and we have to wait in the hallway until the courtroom opens at 2. Thanks to my timeliness, I get to have a chair to sit on and continue reading my book. This hallway will be packed to the point of fire hazard by 2 PM.

2:00-2:30 - My group of potential jurors is placed in Courtroom 20 to get ready for the selection process. Courtroom 20 has a really small gallery, but workstations for about 16 lawyers, 6 prisoner boxes, and all the jury stations have flat-screen monitors. The clerk tells us it is the most famous courtroom in Ontario, as it hosted the trials of such sick f*ckers as the Banditos and Michael Raffery. The creepy feeling returns and I feel a little sick to my stomach. Honestly, I'd way rather sit by a socially awkward yenta than sit in a room where those monsters had their last stand.

You have no place on this jury!

Thankfully, they let us out of there pretty quickly following that disturbing little historical lecture.

Things proceed quickly for me from here on out.

2:30 - Our group of 20 is herded into a conference room with exactly 20 chairs, some better than others. Nobody talks much, but you can tell some people want to. Not me. Reading continues.

2:33 - I wait in a hallway to proceed into the courtroom for my grilling. Feeling nervous. Hope my hair looks okay. Touch up lipstick.

2:35 - Allowed into courtroom. Take the stand. Offered the choice to swear on a bible or give an affirmation. I choose the latter like coffee over tea at breakfast and agree to say only things that are true. I answer one question about my potential bias, and that seems to go okay. Then the judge asks me to look the defendants in the eye, and one of the Crown Prosecutors instantly says, "Challenge!" and then it is over. It is all over. I leave the room in stunned disappointment. I linger for a couple of moments in the hallway before taking the elevator down 14 floors back to my regular life. The lady who comes out after me got challenged (really just a nice word for rejected) by the defence. However, the guy who comes out after her got picked! This fella is psyched for a week off work. We ride down the elevator together, talking about our normal lives and the potential trial. By this point in the day I'm ready to chat with strangers. So, there's that.

My dream is dead. :( 

Still holding out hope that I might get called up again some day...

Topbox November 2013 Review!

Well, I guess it's time for another Topbox review. I hope I'm not starting to sound too broken-recordish with these things, but another month brings another collection of free samples that I paid $13 for, so...

Your face! Your beautiful face! What have they done to you???

This first item is actually pretty interesting. While at first glance it appears to be a (mafia-themed?) nail polish called "hi'tter Don", it is actually just a really banged-up bottle of Butter London "Come to Bed Red" nail polish.

This is my surprise bonus item. I paid $10 for it as an add-on this month. The promo email from which I ordered it promised "a full-size luxury product at 25-90% discount." Considering this item retails for $17, I have to begrudgingly admit that Topbox has met their promise on this one. I will, however, deduct good-will points for the fact that this is clearly damaged stock, which the company would have been unable to sell at full retail price. I'm curious to know if anybody else who purchased a bonus item received damaged/dented stock. Interesting revenue stream if they can make it work. It won't look too nice on my display rack, but I like that this is a high-demand new colour (currently sold out on nailpolishcanada.com). Well done, Topbox!

I'm not sure how to use this, but I will look it up someday.
Okay, truthfully, it will end up dusty and forgotten at
the bottom of my junk cosmetics drawer.

This pretty blue box contains my "replacement item". You may recall that I was double-"gifted" when, 2 months in a row, I received that crap-tastic tinted moisturizer. After I published last month's blog, I sent Topbox an email to complain about getting a repeat of the same product. They apologised and promised to send a bonus extra in this month's box. This "serum" isn't on the product card, but it was tossed in alongside everything else, so I'm assuming it is here for replacement purposes. I literally have no idea how to use it, or what value it brings to me. I haven't even opened it to see what's inside. Could be a "can of snakes" joke for all I know. I accept full responsibility for this. I know I can google it. I just. don't. care.

Does anybody want a snake oil serum sample? Maybe I'll put it in Dylan's stocking for Christmas!

Ugh. 

So, this is the first item from the actual, regular Topbox.

In a cruel joke by Topbox pack-masters (or cosmic retribution for all the wrongs I've done, depending on your point of view), it is another tinted moisturizer!

This one, however, is a different brand from the ones I received double of in September and October, so there's that. Still worthless to me, though. Still available to you, dear reader, for free at cosmetics counters across the land.

Like a sad cat that keeps showing up on your back doorstep in the rain. 

Does this look familiar to you? It does to me! Know why?

Because it is the EXACT SAME SAMPLE I got last month!

Topbox claims not to repeat products. They were very kind and apologetic about last month's repeat, and then they kick me in the teeth with another one!

Still "Sample. Not for resale".
Still ugly colours for me.
Still not gonna use it.

Booooo.

Where my dry-skin ladies at??

When you sign up for Topbox, you complete a "beauty profile" that outlines your colouring, skin-type, preferences, and so on. If comments on the Topbox facebook page are to be believed, it would seem that the profile is for decorative purposes only. Many gals complain of getting colours and products that are really not appropriate for them.

This is my entry into that category. It is an oil-cleanser. It is designed for people with dry skin to remove their make-up. My skin is normal-oily, so I would rather sleep with my make-up on than put this (for me) nocturnal zit-multiplier anywhere near my face. Profile-shmofile, right Topbox?

Smells like teen spirit

Here is my last Topbox item for this month: a tube-shaped perfume sample.

The perfume is really fruity-floral, and, like the last perfume sample I got, it seems like a scent that is much more appropriately worn by teenagers.

Why can't I get a Tresor sample like some other lucky ladies???

At least I know lots of teenagers, so I can easily find someone to pass this one along to.

Kind of a waste for me, though. Sigh.

So, that brings me to the end of another scathing blog about the disappointment materialized that Topbox has come to represent for me. Sadly, I will be cancelling my Topbox subscription this month. I will do one more blog (on December's box), and then I AM DONE!

I still want to blog, though, so I'm taking suggestions! Does anybody have ideas for regular blog features that would be fun to write and not waste $13 every month? I will still do random posts about nail tutorials and other things I can think of. I would really like to do a series of some sort, though. Please let me know if you have any ideas...

Did anybody else pay for a bonus product this month? What did you get? Was it damaged beyond retail presentability? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading! xoxo

October 2013: Crap-fest Topbox Review

Welcome to October! A month when the weather gets colder, the days get shorter, and the Topboxes get crappier. It is a dark time of year, indeed. If things keep going this way, I will not be surprised if November's Topbox is stuffed with poppies and Boston Pizza mints.

This blog is gonna be short and not too sweet. Seriously, this month's Topbox SUCKS!!! Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky, sucks. It sucks so bad. How bad does it suck? Well, I have taken over a week to find the motivation to even sit down and write this thing, and writing this blog is something I usually really look forward to.

Because I like to avoid other people's reviews until mine's done, I haven't been on any blogs or boards yet to see what other gals are saying, but I'm going to try and write this quickly so I can indulge in the hatred that I can't imagine is not going on right now.

Here we go, in descending order from "okay, I guess" to "you're seriously charging me money for this?!":

I know I can get you for less than $12.99 if I close my eyes tight and believe.
And also if I wait for you to be on sale.

Last month I got the Wella Heat Styling Spray, which is a full-sized product I will actually use.



This month Topbox is "returning to the same well-a" (sorry), but with Stay Brilliant Colour Protection Lotion. I don't colour my hair, so this product is pretty much useless to me. It is supposedly worth $12.99 from your Wella professional.



I also went online to try and see what the real retail price is on this, but the wella.com website listed on the Topbox product card is ridiculously hard to navigate. Oh, well, I'm not planning to buy it anyway!


Okay, here it is at amazon.com for $7.94 USD. That's a terrible exchange rate, Topbox! For shame!

Meh. What is the deal with this company? Nothing special to see here, folks.

This is a face mask. Blarg. Who cares?

The only thing interesting about this product is that the label claims that it fights "glycation", a thing that I did not know existed. Also, that link does not make it a whole lot clearer to me. I guess it is something to be fought against, though. After my bath tonight I will have a little battle with glycation, and I'll let y'all know how that turns out. I guess you could say I'll be taking a "glycation vacation." That probably sounds like a lot more fun than it deserves to.

Two more moderately interesting things about this glycation-annihilation wonder-mask:

1. It looks like silly putty mixed with a hint of canned Alpo.
2. It smells like slightly off peppermint. Like, if you had a peppermint lotion that you really liked, so you were saving it and not using it very often, then one day a few years after you first opened it, you realized that the smell had started to turn. I have decided to name this smell "poopermint" (sorry).

Ooooh - a free sample from Shopper's

This little treasure is a useless pile of three miniscule lipsticks. They all look ugly. They will most certainly dry out after the first or second application, as you can't reseal the packet once opened. They are a waste of our country's manufacturing resources.

I will give them to a teenager, who will find them charming and fun. I, however, am a grown-a$$ lady, and I prefer at least a little Barbie-size sample like the ones Avon gives out. (Yes, I do realize that my argument is tantamount to the old classic from Annie Hall, "This food is terrible, and the portions are so small!" /paraphrase/)

Honestly, though, when your company is mailing out the same samples that can be had by the handful at every drug store cosmetics counter in town, you may want to start thinking of the morality behind what you are "selling". Guess I'm the sucker for keeping subscribed, right? But I neeeeeed to bllllllogggggg!

Deja vu all over again

Which brings us, dear reader, to the final insult in this grab bag of miserable injury.

The same damn foundation sample I got last month!!!!!!!

Also, clearly marked not for individual sale. Wait, two isn't enough?! Well, I can always go to Shopper's and get 5 more, just by asking and smiling nice at the cosmetics lady.

Honestly, Topbox, if you're gonna cheap out and pretend that drug store samples are actually small-size luxury items that will be coveted by women across the nation, at least send different ones each month! Ugh. Can we not just pretend in this together? You are shattering my wilful denial that your box is actually worth keeping paying for. I am starting to hate you a little bit.

And another thing: WHY IS IT THE EXACT SAME SHADE?!? What are the odds that anyone receiving this is going to be able to use it??? I'm going to be generous and say maybe 1 in 10, but honestly I doubt it's that many. (NB this might actually look okay on me once I get a little more tanned. I will pack it to take to Mexico at Christmas. Here's hoping I am sorely wrong about the value of this product.)

My handsome boy <3

Actually, you know who really likes this? The dog. Rocky thinks it is just fantastic, better than the chicken bits in his mostly not-chicken bits dog food. I put some on the back of my hand, and he just licked and licked and licked. Maybe if I put some in the bathroom, I can get him to clean the toilet. 

So, it comes to this. I am paying $13.60 a month for a box of (mostly) free samples. In addition to the samples, I get the thrill of receiving mail that is not bills, and a guaranteed blog topic. Is it worth it? Ummm...the jury's still out, but I'm in for another month or two at least.

Some people say Topbox used to be better. If you can shed any light on this, please let me know in the comments. Also, I'd love to hear of any ideas you might have for boxes I might like better. I will say, though, it's more fun to write a cranky blog than an effusive one, so there is that.

Thanks for reading! xoxo

Topbox September 2013 Review!

OOOoooohhhh, Topbox...why you gotta make it so hard for me to get my snark on?

I got this month's Tobox on Tuesday. As these boxes have gotten progressively better, it is becoming progressively more difficult for me to write a sneering review. Don't worry, some of the products themselves still suck, but the sheer number of items, combined with a couple of real winners, make the September Topbox well worth the $13.56 that was charged to my Amex a couple of weeks ago.

So...let's get started:

Chock full of all the information that shows up free in your Facebook feed!

This month's box is bigger than usual, to accommodate Chatelaine, a magazine that seems to be everywhere, but I don't know a single person who reads it. Heck, I even subscribe to Chatelaine and I don't read it. ($1/month add-on to our Rogers bill, and I take them to school for the kids to cut up when decorating their poetry.)

Obviously, this is a good marketing move for Chatelaine, because they'll be able to up their ad rates by posting bigger distribution numbers. I probably still won't read it. I will, however, gladly accept it to add to my cut-up pile.

It's not you, it's me.

Next up, we have another baby moisturizer sample. At 5mL, it might be more accurately described as fetal, even, but whatever. I have no need of facial cream samples. I am blindly devoted to Lancome, which is expensive and awesome and one of the few things I go all out and spend way too much money on 'cause I like it so much. (Lancome also has the best gifts with purchase, and they run them about 3 or 4 times a year.)

I've taken to throwing these little gems into my purse and using them for hand creams when out-and-about. This one is creamy and it smells nice, and I have no doubt that it will keep my hands from getting red and chapped this winter.

Why do you exist? Really.

Here we have an "anti-aging primer", which is basically just a light moisturizer. Anyone who believes a cream will help fix fine lines and wrinkles should really check out this all-in-one wonder product called Snake Oil. They should pay absolutely top dollar for it, to a huckster selling things off the back of an old-timey wagon. Perhaps I can find some to sell to them.

Bottom line: the only thing that will make you look younger is plastic surgery. Botox! Facelift! Restylane! Anything else is simply going to add moisture to your skin, which is inherently anti-aging, as your skin will not crack and wrinkle as much if it is not dry. People should just pick a moisturizer that they like the texture and smell of, and that makes them happy and is appropriate for their skin type/what they want it to do. Products like this, pushing the idea that a person needs a "primer" before putting on make-up, as if he or she is a slab of drywall, just get on my nerves. Ugh. Anyway, this is light, smells okay, and will have a happy life at the bottom of my purse, periodically moisturizing my dry winter lizard-hands.

*nb - I will admit that while primers are of no value to me, there are many people (maybe with oily skin?) who swear that their make-up lasts longer if they apply primer first. So, YMMV.

There is a debate on the value of primers...

I think you came from expired stock :(

This is a sample of Bourjois Paris mascara, probably 1/4 of the full size one, which sells for $20 at Shoppers. That is pretty pricey for a drug store mascara, so it must be awesome, right?

Maybe. Mine is really dry and doesn't come close to giving me "10x more volume." I've been using it for the last 3 days, and it differs from my Lancome Hypnose mascara in 2 ways: 1) my lashes look smaller and a little clumpy, and 2) it is really hard to get off! Not a product I will be adding to my collection.

You make the whole September Topbox worth it!

This is a full-sized bottle of Wella Professionals heat protection spray. I am very happy with this product. Not only is it in a good enough size to use it for awhile and really get a feel for it, but it also works well and smells good.

I always use heat spray when straightening or curling my hair. I'm not picky about the brand - just whatever's on sale is what I get. I honestly have never noticed much of a difference, except Biolage smells the best to me. I would definitely buy this if it were on sale when I went to pick up a spray.

Charming and lethally gorgeous, for about 3 hours.

This little thing is listed as a "bonus" on the product card that comes with the box. It is a sample of Katy Perry Killer Queen perfume. Apparently it is "Floriental". I'm not even kidding. Is that a word? Spell-check doesn't think so.

The name makes me imagine a "very special episode" of Ru Paul's Drag Race, where things take a decidedly dark turn.

Anyway, it is supposed to be "charmingly playful yet lethally gorgeous," I find it both musky and fruity. I put it on at 8, and couldn't smell it any more by 11, which is probably par for the course with drug store perfume. I don't always wear perfume, but when I do it's by (surprise twist) Lancome: Tresor or Miracle. Omg, why don't they just hire me already?!?

And that's about it for the September Topbox. Let's do a value tally, shall we?

Chatelaine magazine:                    $1 (via Rogers, prob ~$5 at the store?)
Lise Watier moisturizer:               $8.00/5mL ($48/30mL)
Cover FX primer                           $6.30/5mL ($38/30mL)
Bourjois Paris mascara                 $5.00 (?)(Full size is $20)(Really, kind of worthless and dried out.)
Wella heat spray                           $14 (yesssss!)
Katy Perry perfume sample           ~free at make-up counters everywhere~

TOTAL:                                        $34.30* value to the individual may vary...

Another pretty good month! I will subtract $5 for the crummy mascara, but add $5 for surprise/entertainment value. If Topbox can keep this pace up, I'm definitely on board for the next few months at least.

What did you get in Topbox or other subs this month? Let me know in the comments!

Thanks for reading!! xoxo